Tag Archives: hurt
Thoughts of you: the good and the painful.
I think of you, of the good memories buried deep down underneath the pain, the hurt. I have thoughts of you, good thoughts, happy ones, ones that make me smile and cry right afterwards once I realize that they are now just thoughts. I remember when we used to laugh, make fun of each other, play like children, being silly without any care, going away on vacation, talking about or future together, and sharing our dreams, so many thoughts, good ones. I remember when you used to call me your moje kochanie, and told me kocham cie every chance you got.
I thought I had found the man of my dreams, the one I’d spent the rest of my life with. We used to be so happy remember? I felt safe, I finally felt that I had someone, that I would no longer be alone. But one day the thoughts, the good thoughts of you vanished as if they never existed in my head, as if this entire time I was dreaming. Those thoughts became tarnished by your sudden hostility. You went from one extreme to the next with the blink of an eye, I was caught off guard, I was not prepared for that different side of you, that dark side of you.
I love you’s turned into words of criticism, of using my painful past to hurt me, to break me. The playful funny moments turned dull and dark by your hostility. Did you ever noticed that many times your poor treatment drove me to take pills hoping not to wake up the next day, hoping that it would ease the pain, that I rather be dead instead of going through what you put me trough, or you simply didn’t care since I had become expendable to you? Did you ever truly loved me, cared about me, or simply used me at your disposal, took advantage of my feelings for you, knowing that I would try to make it work no matter how poorly you treated me, verbally and emotionally abused me, because of something I never had and I’ve always wanted, a family.
Now all I can think about is if you think about the pain you inflicted in me, of putting both my life and your unborn child’s life in jeopardy because of your explosive, selfish, self entitled, controlling character, do you think of us, do you wonder if the baby growing inside of me survived after what you did? do you have any remorse? that is if you even know the true meaning of that word. How ironic how conflicted my thoughts have become, they’ve gone from the good to the utmost painful, how all the good have been drowned by the pain, the hurt you’ve caused me. Now my head is filled with questions, confusions, and torments.
Was it all real or a lie? did you faked your feelings and emotions for me just to use me, because you needed something from me? was your initial goal to hurt me, demean me? if the answer to these my questions are yes, than congratulations, you’ve succeeded, you’ve left me broken, powerless, without any will, any identity, you’ve left me with nothing but a broken heart, a broken spirit, the only good thing you’ve left me with is this baby that has grown inside me, that will soon be born and teach me the value of true love, give me back the strength and courage you took away, and give my life meaning and purpose; a baby your selfish-thoughtless act have left fatherless.
Do you think about us? Do you? do you hurt like I am hurting and go nights without being able to sleep, and days without being able to eat? is there’s anything inside of you that has soften you heart and perhaps allow you to think about what you did to us, and for once take responsibility for your own actions without constantly blaming me? you always begged me for a child, you always expressed how much you wanted to be a father and have a family. Therefore, excuse my confusion for the way you treated me once I gave you the baby news, you went from being happy to almost taking putting our lives at risk. Do you feel? do you have any thoughts? not that it would change the events that took place, I guess having an answer to these questions would make me feel less significant to you.
Vidablogg 