I never thought…

With each passing day, I take in a deep breath…inhale, exhale. Deep, lost in my thoughts I find myself, pondering about the irony of my current reality.

Watching you grow accomplishing every milestone is still a wonder to me; I’m amazed of how far we’ve come. Milestones in which I rejoice and find sadness all at once. I never thought it’d be just the two of us, not in a million years did I think it’d be this way…just you and me, no father figure.

It pains me to imagine how this reality must feel for you, what impression it must have on your innocent young mind. It tears me apart, I feel that I have failed. At times I wonder, what if I stayed no matter how awful, but despite this grief I know that I did what was best for the two of us, especially you; I wouldn’t want to see you grow with someone who wouldn’t instill in you good moral values and shape you to be the awesome little human you are today.

I never thought it’d be this hard, this lonely, this tumultuous fighting daily with guilt and sorrow. Struggling to find joy in the little things because I’m overwhelmed with exhaustion, sleepless nights, worries, depression, lack of faith, hope, desire to live and to go on fighting.

I find myself broken struggling to find the broken pieces to mend them, I fail miserably at each attempt. Lost, weakened, exhausted, overwhelmed I am. I never thought this would be my journey, for I envisioned something totally different.

Little girl…

Little girl who once filled with big dreams, who saw the world through lenses of wonders and magic; a world of impossibilities and happy endings.

Little girl once filled with childlike wonder, relentless, hopeful and certain that she could and would conquer all.

Little girl with ideas which limits surpassed the stars, little girl filled with unshakable faith where have you gone?

Little girl filled with laughter one that sounded like thunder, a laughter that was not masked by pain but it’s sounds we’re genuine.

Little girl who was fiery, unshakable by doubts or fears. Little girl that reached higher than the sky, I long to find you.

Little girl, now a woman staring back at her reflection searching for who she once was…are you still there hidden?

What is wrong with me?!

I feel cursed. It is as if there’s a shadow that has followed me my entire life to prevent me from reaching my full potential. No matter how hard I work or try, I seem to remain stuck there’s never true change, change that is palpable.

Love, stability, prosperity, joy…seem to flee from me. I see everyone around me bounce back and rise from the abyss they once had fell into, find love after a broken heart, make a home again, become home owners, regain all they’ve lost and more. Yet here I remain stagnant, nothing to show for, to celebrate.

What is wrong with me?! How do I fix this?! Prayers, positive affirmations, etc have failed to work, even tapping more into spirituality has been a dead end. I’ve gone tired of waiting, hoping, praying and filling my self with hopes that seem just delusional, a fantasy.

I find no joy. Motherhood feels cumbersome, work is just a means to an end, even the menial task feel heavy. This is not living, when will things turn out alright? I often ask myself. I feel bad for my little one who has to not only be raised by a broken mother but see it with his innocent eyes because I no longer can contain it all inside and hide it as well as I once could.

What is wrong with me, why can’t I be one of those “lucky” people? What kind of sacrilege I committed in a past life? How do I break the chains that bi d me, I want to break free. I scream at God for help, but he never hears me. So tired of barely making it, so tired of breathing, living. I slowly succumb to vices just endure the pain of my reality. What is wrong with me.