Empty bed…


Deep breaths and sighs, I turn over to an empty side. Deep desires and wants, yet that side I deeply want filled lays empty.

I dream, reminisce to an after all empty bed. It’s all in my head, my imagination running wild picturing fairy tale type of love.

Deep breaths and sighs, yet my heart remains cold, quite and empty, I roll ove to emptiness. To an abyss so deep and dark that I no longer hope.

Hopeless romantic am I rolling to an empty side. Deep breaths, sighs, dreams, wants, desires. Yet as I turn to look into an empty side.

On the verge of F…it and walking away: drowning.


All of these years, long, dragging years not one moment of true lasting happiness since embarking in this single parenting journey. In my thirties watching the last of my youth waste away.

I never thought this would be so hard! The constant pushing, going on empty, feeling trapped. When you’re raising a child 100% percent alone, your ability to view life through an optimistic lens becomes blurred.

The loneliness, inability to make friends, date, get certain work opportunities, etc kills you slowly inside. Your child schedule becomes your schedule, so there goes career opportunities, social life, etc. no more me time.

Other mothers even if single have support and the ability to have time off from their child; there’s tiers to single parenting, I’ve always joked that is like a social class, I’m all the way at the bottom lowest. And forget dating, do I really want to spend money for a babysitter just to go out? And will he understand my limited flexibility?

You also have no one to really talk to, someone that can truly understand and listen without judgement and offering solutions they know no crap about…walk a day in my shoes, then you can make suggestions. I’ve hated (I know hate is a strong word), every waking moment of being a single parent. You push, and fake it for someone else’s well-being while neglecting your own well-being.

I cannot wait for the day my child is at least at an age we’re he doesn’t require constant adult supervision so that I can feel less restricted. People say you’ll miss the days when they were younger, but how can you miss a time where you’re so deeply immersed in stress, struggles, loneliness, financial instability, pretending to be ok, etc?

I am drowning! Suffocating! Who gives a damn about the parents? We’re supposed to break apart with a smile in our freaking faces..being “strong.” I feel terrible for how I feel towards me being a parent, because I truly have a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, brilliant child. I’m just beyond overwhelmed.

I’ve been drowning for the past 8 years. Throughout this journey, I’ve been on survival mode, overcoming homelessness, suicidal attempts, depression, constant financial instability, anger/bitterness towards my ex-husband for abandoning his child and never helping financially nor being present in any way. how can you live without know your first born?

I feel broken, I can’t and have no strength or desire to continue to do this anymore; it’s to the point that I no longer fake the happy mom facade, I’m stuck between not giving three f…’s about any impression anyone has of me nor who I am as a parent, they wouldn’t survive a day in my shoes and would have long ago broken, fallen apart if they lived/experience all that I have throughout this journey.

I do t know how much longer I can hold on. I want to give up and sadly don’t care anymore, I’m hanging by the thin thread of not wanting to f’up my child, hence, I continue to push forward even if running on empty. I’m sick and tired of settling down, feeling stuck, having no life, watching the years pass me by, all because I am a mother, a single mother.

No one wants to help or understand, just judge, assume, what a lonely road this is. I break down in tears while doing chores, packing lunches, etc feeling exhausted, but having no other choice, because there’s no one to turn to for support, help.

I think of not picking up my child from Afterschool at times, just drive far away. If men can completely abandon their responsibilities towards their children with little to no legal repercussions or judgement from society, why can’t a woman too say f… it! This is hard and I don’t want to do it, I’ll walk into your life when you’re older and feed you the BS that I was being prevented from being a parent.

What a lonely and disheartening journey this has been so far. Is this it? Is this all there is to it, struggles, sacrifices, having to ALWAYS be selfless, financial struggles; how can one child be so expensive?!!! Having to always settle because you know that you’re not in a position where you can demand due to your lack of support, flexibility and much more; all the setbacks being a single parent with no support brings.

Is this it?! Is there a time where I will be able to sincerely love being a parent; I envy the woman who does, I once thought I’d be one of these women that being a mother is center of their universe. I am drained and cry often due to exhaustion, I hate waking up knowing what I have to look forward to and going home as well after a long day at work. I’m drowning.

Trying hard not to give up, not fir me but my child, because after all, he to has been a victim to his father’s selfishness and he deserves a good parent. So I stay drowning but pushing to stay afloat above water.

Words…


Dear women, let us discern, for we are created from the inner parts of a man, hence why we fall for words. He, the man is external, hence why he knows that the way to our heart is to open what is within and not so much the visual. The way to to our hearts most times are words. Let those words be backed with actions, let us not be so quick to succumb to merely words. let us value character and all that matters aside of just words; scrutinize his language before you open your heart and give away your all, don’t be a bait of words. Does those words speaks to your confidence or your ego? Let us discern. Let not words recondition your standards.

I ask…but I lack to see…great I am.


I’ve asked for your presence to show in my life , but I’ve lacked the vision to see the comprehension to understand that you have always been there, right beside me, the great I am.

With you I declare that all bondage is broken and moving forth, all pathways are open, my great I am. You’ve given me love and hope in the form of a child. My great I am, who is worthy? Who is mighty?….no one! Thank you for everything; all the good in my life and all that is to come.

Why do we only love after death?


Why we must come United only at the final days?… Remising, appreciating what was always there in clear view?

Why must we only see when it’s at times too late? When all there’s left are pictures (if any) and memories?

Why must we so desperately want to say things that cannot be heard and do things that cannot be felt?

Why do we wait after their gone to truly appreciate? why we must ponder can you hear me?!!! Only after their gone?

Why must we allow time to pass us by to see through blind eyes and see through our mind eyes?

I birthed a man…


I birthed a loving, gentle, caring man to be and to become. A man who will change the world; a generational chain beaker.

I birthed a healer; one that saved me in my darkest times and pulled me from a deep whole; a whole I never thought I’d come out of.

My womb has birthed a man. A man in all the essence of that word… man. A man beyond what I have no words to describe nor comprehend because of his magnitude.

I birthed a leader, a conscious man. One whose steps will make the earth shake, one whose voice roars so deep and loud, you can’t help but listen…I birthed a true definition of a man.

I birthed a man…


I birthed a loving, gentle, caring man to be and to become. A man who will change the world; a generational chain beaker.

I birthed a healer; one that saved me in my darkest times and pulled me from a deep whole; a whole I never thought I’d come out of.

My womb has birthed a man. A man in all the essence of that word… man. A man beyond what I have no words to describe nor comprehend because of his magnitude.

I birthed a leader, a conscious man. One whose steps will make the earth shake, one whose voice roars so deep and loud, you can’t help but listen…I birthed a true definition of a man. Bless the womb that birthed soldiers.

Through flaws and all…


Through flaws and all I’m raining you.

Through flaws and all, I’m doing my best to provide.

Although I may make a thousand mistakes, my heart and intentions are pure though all the flaws and all.

Through flaws and all I love deeply and madly; I dream and hope.

Through flaws and all. All that I do is for you, all that I have, no matter how minuscule is yours.

Through flaws and all, I dare to be bold.

Through flaws and all, you are my wildest dreams come true.

Through flaws and all, I find strength in my love for you, my dreams and hopes for you…through flaws and all.