Dear child, mom is broken.

As the new year 2024 entered, I fill my cup with optimism and strive to live the old behind; another family dysfunction disappointment, my child facing homelessness for the first time (not the first for me).

I relieve the feelings of suicide that refuse to remain buried. Solo single parenting is kicking my ass, has me by a chokehold. How can I ever make it when being a mom takes precedence; I can’t take work opportunities that will allow me to barely pay the bills and I’m reduced to only contemplate opportunities that will not even bring us semi afloat, always having to choose the latter.

With no one to truly understand, because I’ve learned single parenting is like a social class and I am at the lowest bottom. since 9years old, I’ve questioned my existence, now as a mother, it doesn’t seem to cease. I ask God for a quick and easy painless end, for my soul is tired and I wish to not repeat this again.

I have held on for you my beautiful loving child, but mom is broken; spiritually, physically and emotionally. I have been for years through no fault of your own. Life has just been heavy, a load which has became difficult to continue to carry on.

I don’t know what else to do. I hang on for your sake, yet the pain is too great, the uncertainties, the inability to continuaron to do this on my own. Can I hold on until you’re old enough to allow for some wiggle room? I am drowning, desperate, walls against a wall.

Mom is broken, despite my brokenness, I pray for ton to have and a happy all that I never did. I pray you have stability, genuine love, success, a soft-gentle life, that all your wildest dreams come true and much more.

Mom is broken, yet I love you through my brokenness, picking each broken piece day by day trying to piece them together to fight for you; I do think of what pain my absence in life might cause you. I love you amidst my brokenness my heart.

Shame

I seem to be the one that’s always embarrassed living a life of shame. Enduring to be the pity of others; circumstances have brought me to my knees over and over again. Lack of stability in every aspect; financial, single parenting, love, family, seems to be something I see others rejoice in as I stand clapping for them in the side lines.

I ponder how much longer will God allow my life to be a living hell of a never ending rollercoaster ride, how long shall I continue to feel small even though I don’t lack the skills, knowledge, qualifications, etc. yet I always feel as if I’m beneath others, because they have a support system, loved ones, a family, a partner who is there for them, they don’t have to spend holidays alone, attend their child/children events alone or sacrifice opportunities due to lack of support. Whereas I have no one to hold me up if I fall, navigating through life alone and at the mercy of others kindness.

When will God see that I am not as strong as he thinks I am, at least I don’t feel like it, and lighten this cumbersome load; for carrying this cross called life is a burdensome load my shoulders can no longer hold. When will he see that my heart is breaking and all my joy is gone? That I am hanging by a thin thread ready to break at any moment. When will I have to continue to live in shame, feeling small due to my life’s struggles, to chains that keeps me bound? When will my Heavenly Father break them and help set me free?

Our children’s planet

Animals, are as scared for their offsprings as we are for our children and the world left behind for them to build should there be any remnants Left.

A reason to keep breathing

Why stay alive, when you deeply yearn for the peace, release you find in the great forever exhale? Where your soul is free and your flesh is no longer in pain.

My reason is my son despite hanging on a thin thread and putting an expiration date on myself. I know the pain of losing a parent who no matter what, is your only safe place; I’m not selfish enough to hurt him that way, to shatter him…or am I? Is my pain so deep it’s blinding me and driving me demented?

As an adult I sob for my mothers loss and my only consolation is a glass to numb the pain, which I’ve become immune to its dosing effects; I’m afraid for it’s frequent desire to use as a means to numb away the pain.

Through fighting dark thoughts, allowing my pain, anguish, loneliness, fear to drive to say things that pains me, I find kindness, understanding, a deep love and acceptance through a child. He’s better off without me I strongly have come to believe; I’ve done my best with whatever little I’ve could, with what life have dealt me with…he reminds me in those moments, it’s enough with his healing love that only can come from your child.

That despite how lost you feel, you’d give it all for and force yourself to live for, even when your soul is fading away and your spirit is shattered. He’s my why…

I have to…

I am so tired, tired of struggling, settling, watching others accomplish their dreams and reach their goals,. I’m so tired of always saying “same old” when asked how are things, never having anything new or exciting to share; I’m tired of being a broken record, with nothing to show for.

But I have to live for you, even though I want to die; you’re my reason to go on, the thought of you ending up an orphan like I was, petrifies me. Parts of me wants to see you grow, witness and celebrate your accomplishments. Part of me also does not want to be remembered as someone who gave up, because giving up on life for me at this time, feels like giving up on you.

I am sick and tired of being a single mother with no stable, consistent support system; spending every holiday alone, attending every school event alone. looking at those (even other single parents) whose journey seems to have no thorns in the process. Pondering what if my ex-husband was a better man, what if my story was written different? internally asking my child for forgiveness that I ended up being his parent. When he has so much potential…broken me, do I deserve such a brilliant soul?

Waking up, breathing, existing hurts my soul. Why am I here, why was I born, what’s my purpose? Death for me means peace. I am so broken, I can’t even hold it together anymore, you’ve witnessed mama cry. I play in my head different scenarios on how I end this miserable existence I call life, I google “is suicide truly a sin” because I fear the wrath of God, so I pray, implore for him to please show mercy and take my life instead of me taking matters into my own hands.

I don’t want to go on, but I have to because of you. I’m in agony, but you’re still so young, I don’t want for you to be left at the mercy of others like I was when my mother died; since I’ve contemplated death, seeking it’s embrace, yet it doesn’t want me yet. I abhor my life, the oxygen I breathe, I have accomplished nothing; you’re the only good thing worthy of trying for.

But the pain has become unbearable, I don’t want to try anymore, I’m tired of being strong. It looks like the devil is winning the battle against me. I often ponder, if my consciousness would be able to see my motionless body and feel regret, pity? Why am I here?!!!!!!! But I have to try for you my sweet boy, I’d hate for you to live a lifetime of pain due to me seeking peace through death.

Sorry for the father I chose for you…

When I am able to bring my head above the water and grasp for air; I catch a glimpse of what an amazing human being you are. You are kind, thoughtful, smart, loving, caring, empathetic, etc. I am proud to call you my son, I am proud to see you excel in school and receive your many achievements.

I can’t help but ponder of what if your father had not for whatever reason decided to not be a part of your life? So much he’s missed due to his selfish and senseless actions. I hate seeing how much it hurts you not to have a father figure, I hate that being a single mom with no support system is braking me and robbing me from the joy motherhood should bring a mother.

I am deeply sorry for the father I chose for; children cannot choose their parents, I have failed you. If I could have seen through a crystal glass that he would not be the father you deserved, I would have chosen differently, but perhaps there’s a reason, a purpose which I hope one day to find out and would hopefully make sense of this soul breaking current reality.

It tear me to pieces to always be alone to all school events, medical appointments, etc, it tears me apart for you to see other children and friends with their fathers in their lives even when they’re no longer together with the other parent. It brakes my heart to hear how this impact you, I wish I was enough to erase that painful reality. I am sorry for the father I chose for you.

Are we the last ones left?

As I scroll online, I begin to question, are we the last ones left?. The last to teach, Instill the values we once rejected through our upbringing. Values of keeping your word, character, walking our path, being true to ourselves, etc. although it wasn’t perfect, yet our words and integrity had meaning and value.

Now we find ourselves having to fight and prove to our children of what truly matters, of what holds true value. Though our warning may seem to fall to deaf ears. Ears that believe they have it all figured out, while they judge our viewpoint, comprehension, background, history.

I ponder, are we the last voices to speak a reality that’s true although different for the time we face today? Are we the last one’s left? The ones who dare to question and think outside the box, outside what’s acceptable with the times?

Father’s Day eve

A week ago you came to me telling me of your classroom assignment, a Father’s Day card. Nervous, fearing reproach, you hesitantly told me that you made a Father’s Day card.

I responded “ok,” you should feel free to do as you wish without fear of other’s opinions including my own, If that’s what your heart desires. You explained that you didn’t want to be made fun of by your classmates for not having a dad by and make me upset.

You proceed to tell me about the questions pertaining your father you’re asked by your classmates and the answers you give; answers that do not match reality, answers which I understand the why’s.

When I question why you feel inclined to provide such answers (to gain a deeper understanding) and explain that you have nothing to be ashamed of; on the contrary, he should for abandoning you…us, you can’t quite verbalize; which is understandable at your tender age.

Today you showed me the Father’s Day card you wrote, the words pained me, because it is all you wished were true an I wished you’ve experienced. I feel powerless that you have to yearn for such things, things you witness some of your friends have and want for yourself.

I hurt deeply that there is nothing I can do to change the bitter reality. All that I can do is reassure you the best way I can and know how to with hopes that your wounds due to lacking a father figure will heal and you’ll understand that it’s not your fault and that he has no idea of who he is missing out of.

I hurt, I worry. I wish I could shield you from every pain; I would gladly do so for you my heart, but moms are not superheroes…(shhhh tell no no one). I wish I could change that aspect for you. You deserve so much more. You are worthy, loved and wanted my darling, my heart in human form.

Blood vs. Water

What weighs heavier in my perspective, blood or water? Water deceived me, blood turned it’s back on me… neither has proven to demonstrate any weight to add true value to my life, neither tips the scale. Therefore, if I have neither, then what do I have?….

Have you ever?….

Have you ever suppressed feelings so deep, that when you’re ready to feel, they can’t come to the surface?

Feelings buried so deep inside, your mind/whole being is numb, fighting to let it all out? You’ve conformed to pain, that it has become your new norm, you’re intimate partner. One that despite its toxic qualities, you just can’t seem to let go of.

Have you ever pondered of all the possibilities that if you just don’t give up, don’t give in and be willing to continue fighting and that so long as there’s hope, humanity, darkness will not fall. Have you ever pondered?