Beyond doubts, struggles, uncertainties, a conflicted soul/mind…there’s clarity in my heart about one thing: you are the breath I breathe, the pulse that allows me to continue to live, you are my whole reason for being. My love, my hope, my companion, a blessing, you are the best of me. I could never be apart from you, live without you, be without you, not have you in my life…I simply couldn’t for you are the essence that gives me life. We will conquer all obstacles together.
So many years of solitude spent yearning, fantasizing of love. A love deep and strong, limitless, effortless, never ending.
So many years spent guarding my heart like a caged bird waiting to fly free. A hopeless romantic I’ve always been seeking, yearning for romance; I’ve always believed in love no matter how shattered my heart, how guarded my heart by hurt and disappointment.
I decided to open up to him despite my reservations, I decided to fantasize that perhaps after all these years I’ve found the one or so I wanted to believe. The one to create new memories with and spend my life with.
But his heart was caged too, locked with heavy chains unwilling to give love a chance. As someone who’s been deeply struck by the pain only love and loss can cause, I refused to give up on him, understanding his darkness.
I wanted him to believe in the idea of love like me, to not let the pain darken and harden his heart for I saw so much potential in him. He pushed me away more than he pulled me in.
Like a child who loves unconditionally, I remained coming back each time despite the hurt his words and actions caused. I believed that perhaps my not giving up would soften his already hardened heart and he finally see me.
Blinded not seeing that I wanted this to work out more than he did, I patched each bleeding scar in my heart caused by his apprehension to see me, see the love I have for him, see that I didn’t want to give up on us and was willing to fight for us and be patient with him, with his journey to healing.
Yet his apprehension, his constant pushing me away, his conditions, his reluctance and unwillingness to open up wore me thin. Each time things ended, I felt a piece of my heart shatter, a piece of my hope in love die and its light become dimmer.
The journey with him felt like a roller coaster stuck mid air with suspense not knowing when it would come speeding down and to an abrupt halt. Now I sit once again heart broken, empty, numb, with waves of emotions, filled with questions, filled with fears to dream, hope and open up again to the idea of love.
You are not the only one that has been hurt, left broken alone to pick up the shattered pieces pondering how to piece them back together.
You are not the only one that has trusted and been betrayed, had your heart broken and lost it all, all in the name of love, trust and loyalty.
You are not the only one left damage, battling whether or not to walk down the path to healing.
You are not the only one that has been robbed blind and left with nothing but the smallest glimpse of hope and confidence in yourself to start anew.
You are not the only one that has been betrayed by those you have given so much to yet received so little from.
You are not the only one that has had to learn to love, trust, have faith and believe again like a newborn child grows to learn all the different aspects and realities of life.
You are not the only one that has had to learn to fight and rebuild all alone.
You are not the only one that has no one to trust or turn to, but can only rely solely on yourself.
You are not the only one who has been left to figure things out alone.
You are not the only one that has to prove yourself over and over again to no avail.
You are not the only one that has built an impenetrable fortress afraid of being hurt again.
You are not the only one who knows solitude, suffering, loss, pain, struggles and betrayal.
You are not the only one that has to draw strength from weakness to go on.
You are not the only one that lays awake uncertain and doubting whether things will turn out ok. Whether you will reap the benefits of all your efforts, see the fruits of your hard labor and attain all of your goals.
You are not the only one that battles past demons and fights them each day unwilling to give up.
You are not the only one that has to prove yourself to those who refuse to see you for you, those who don’t believe in you and doubt your abilities yet quietly await your failure.
You are not the only one who has been left with scars so deep that the minor scrape causes them to bleed profusely.
You are not the only one that has to fight alone.
You are not the only one that self doubts.
You are not the only one life has dealt a hard hand.
Tu are not the only one that has to learn how to love and trust again.
You are not the only one that has made a promise to never fall back into the abyss of darkness which is so familiar.
You are not the only one that has to put on a brave face, a fake smile in order to hide your truest-deepest feelings.
You are not the only one left with no choice but go one filled with patches which hides the scars you fight so hard to keep invisible to others,
You are not the only…
Sitting on my bathroom floor, not sure why I choose this place whenever I seek solace? Perhaps it’s because it’s the only place I choose when I need space since becoming a mother.
My glass of wine next to me, heart aching, my mind far yet crowded by racing questions seeking understanding, my thoughts feel clouded. I feel that he is the one I want after a long journey of healing from such deep rooted pain caused by love.
I push, squeeze my way in, yet I only find resistance. Expressing my feelings/emotions to him are met with possible arguments and misunderstandings, I pull but he pushes away; although at time he gives me an inch and pulls me in a centimeter, yet I am mainly faced with a mountain so high that the thought of climbing it exerts me.
I love him, I tell him, I bare my raw bare feelings on my sleeves, yet he’s not sure about me about “us,” he wants time to tell. I’m left feeling filled with uncertainties, feeling inadequate, insecure and many other things that do not represent my character or who I am as a woman.
I want to walk away, yet I choose to stay unable to comprehend why. I seek answers, but left with more questions not knowing what to do or make out of such resistance.
As much as I find lifetime movies a bit corny and predictable, however, there’s something about them that keeps reeling me in. Perhaps is the hopeless romantic dormant deep inside me, ready to awake; despite all the trials, tribulations, pain, suffering, heartbreaks and the list goes on I’ve endured in the past few years, I believe in love. The idea of love is one that invigorates my soul. I love the idea of meeting someone one connects with, someone one can fall in love with and spend the rest of one’s life with. Despite the deep rooted scars from past pain, scars not fully healed, I want it all.
I want to find that lifetime movie kind of love. I want a friend, lover, confidant all in one, someone that I can share everything with, someone that no matter the trials, our love will be strong enough to triumph. I want someone that makes me feel glad that I never gave up on the idea of love and feel special in every way; someone that looks at me as if I am the only one, whose touch holds the power to make the world stop.
Do these lifetime movies kind of love exist or does it only exist in the mind of a producer, one filled with beautiful-creative ideologies about love? Does everlasting love that can surpass all hardships, obstacles, endure any curveball and rise above triumphant and end with a beautiful happy ending exist? I want that type of love; can’t live, breathe without you love, I want to spend the rest of my days with you love. I want my own lifetime movie love story.