Sitting in a room full of strangers, where we are all gathered under one roof for the same purpose; work related training. Anguished from the previous night…days…weeks…
Attempting my best to be engaging, etc I push back all the feelings of fears, distress, doubts unraveling deep inside of me, failing to make them go away.
I feel the tightness in both my gut and throat, the tears welling up. I attempt to breathe in and out without drawing attention as I smile, participate in the discussion giving responses which everyone seems to concur with and elaborates further on. Yet here I sit, choked up, fighting an internal battle unbeknownst to everyone in the room.
Five hours later, I walk to my car rushing to both make it on time to pick up my child from Summer camp as well as seek relief, one I desperately need in order to feel light again, breath again. To no avail, I attempt to release all that is boiling up inside of me.
Finally on the highway after a long process of deep thinking about my current hopeless circumstances, boom like a erupting volcano the tears stream down my checks.
Bringing release and pain all at once. I think to myself “once again you’ve managed to hold it all in and function without drawing attention undetected like a ninja in the night; silent, unnoticed.”
It amazes me how well I’ve mastered the art of hiding each feeling, emotion masking them so well that they go unnoticed to the naked eye.
Weak, tired, hopeless I feel. I wake each day and go through the daily routines like a zombie; work, be mom, cook, house chores, pay bills, drown in debt-never catching on, worry, stress, etc repeat.
I feel no joy only pain, I lack the strength to go on. I find no purpose in life, it all hurts so much! My soul aches in agony. Will I ever be fulfilled or am I destined to live a life of struggles, sadness, emptiness, moving through life like an empty vessel?
I hate everything pertaining to living, breathing, moving, just simply living, it all feels cumbersome. What is my f*** purpose! I am so fatigued! So deeply saddened, living hurts me through the core.
I’m tired of the numbness, looking at my beautiful child and feeling nothing but the wish to die. I want to give up so badly, let go and free myself from this bondage called life; my thread is spreading thin, so sick of this agony.
So many wish to live, they cling on to the notion of life like crazy glue, yet I am dying to die, huh, it’s crazy that not even motherhood is enough fuel for me to want to live, it’s just a reason to try each day to be at least an ok human being, mother and not give up on the small growing human who relies on my.
Drinking no longer hells me escape, some days just for a brief moment I can smile, live in a fantasy world. I cry in pain, agony out of nowhere, just sporadic bursts that hit and knock me like a tsunami ravaging through my soul leaving behind nothing more but an empty vessel.