A life that counts

Past 2:00 a.m. and still binge watching “She’s gotta have it,” suddenly in one night I got hooked. As each episode progresses, I begin to feel nostalgic, a wave of emotions swept over me.

As I watch the episode where Nola forgets her apartment keys and the homeless Dominican guy offers to walk her in the night to her parents apartment, as they walk, he explain how his faith changed; lost his job, couldn’t pay rent or child support, all this factors led to his current state. This episode hit me like a truck, because how many of us are and/or could be that guy? I mean life is so hard, so unfair, filled with imbalance and inequalities. So many have so much and yet the more they obtain, the more they keep to themselves neglecting those in need. Why should one human being care for the well-being if another? It is not their loved one, it is not in their backyard, therefore, putting a blind eye to injustice, pain, suffering, poverty, becomes easy.

It hurts my soul to know of all these hurt that afflict so many pure souls, and yet I feel that my hands are tied because I too can barely get by. Why do we judge? Why are we so cruel, demeaning/condescending towards those who have little,m? Why are we so quick to make assumptions and jump to conclusions? Why can’t kindness be extended? Why are so numb towards the afflictions of others? Why has our hearts grown so cold, so distant from what essentially makes us human? What a conundrum.

Another episode which made me all mushy, that dug me deep into a sea of thoughts boats floating and sinking, was the episode of Nola going to the cement art and place flowers at each of the headstones of those who although long gone, their legacy still live in our hearts, those whose ideals, what they stood for, continue to resonate with us today as it did for many then. As I watched this episode, tears flowed down my eyes caressing my cheeks like a river does the rock, like each wave sweeps through the sand ashore.

I began to think about all the things that truly matters in life and how someday we will all become memories. What kind of memory do I want to live in the mind and hearts of those I love when I’m gone, especially my child who is my whole life, my strength, my reason to exist, my oxygen. Will my life have had any meaning? Someday I’ll be gone and I want to lie ave this earth feeling, knowing that my life had meaning, that that little person who matters so much will have great memories of his mother, that I had hopefully impacted his life in a loving, positive way.

I want to live a life with meaning, a life where I can live traces of love, of warmth. A life where I have touched the hearts of those I love, a life where I can remain alive in their memories, especially in the memory of my child. That my life would have created memories that will fill his heart with love, laughter, peace and joy. I want to simply have lived a life with meaning.