Tag Archives: child
A plea to the above.
As I sit here alone trying very hard not to break down, not to regress since I’ve come too far to fall back into the dark hole called depression, yet I can’t help but break down in tears. I cry out for my mother whom I lost at a very young age, and I cry out to my father from above, God. I plea that he gives me the strength to keep my head up, to continue remaining focused and strong, to continue looking forward to becoming a mother; I need to stay strong for my baby if I can’t do so for myself, I have to!
I plea to my heavenly father to help me because I cannot do it without him, I’m not strong enough. Oh father please, please help me, don’t let me fall, don’t let me regress. I have been fighting off emotions for a while now in order to remain afloat, especially because very soon I will be welcoming my son into this world, and I so badly want to be strong and emotionally stable for him, he deserves the best of me after all, and I owe that to him.
I plea that he heals my wounds, because I have to many old scars that keep opening up, making it hard for the new scars to even scab. I am so tired spiritually and emotionally that I often fear that perhaps I’m one breakdown away from completely plummeting and not being able to recover. At times I struggle with so many emotions, that I can’t hardly tell the source of my sadness. I know that I miss my mother, she was all I had, now all I have is God which is enough, yet I need my mother, I never got the chance to grieve her loss properly, hence the pain I fear after all these years as if I had lost her yesterday.
In addition, it saddens me to realize how alone I am, especially around the holidays; while everyone is looking forward to spend time with loved ones, for me it’s just another day, another day to be reminded of my fate, the lack of support; it’s so ironic how one can have so many relatives, yet no family. I plea that God allows to finally experience how it is to be loved and no longer be alone once my son is born, I plea that I may some day look at my life and be happy, genuinely happy, that all I’ve experienced can finally make sense, because right here, right now it doesn’t, rather it seems unfair at times and makes me ponder what did I do to lose my mother, and struggle nonstop? I plea to my heavenly father from above to guide me and give me the wisdom to make the right choices for me and my baby. I plea for the strength to gather my broken pieces and move on.
being strong one more time.
lately it seems that the phrase “be strong” has become my personal slogan, I feel as if I am a broken record because each day I have to constantly keep telling myself to stay strong just one more time, to not give up. We’ve all found ourselves in circumstances where we’ve felt weak, like we can’t take it anymore, that we just can’t continue on. I feel this way more often than I’d like to admit, especially ever since my marriage went down the drain and I ended up in a domestic violence shelter. I felt as if this is it, I can’t be strong anymore, this is the end of me, I no longer can continue on living just to suffer, I’m tired of falling and having to get back up, I have no strength left to keep fighting to survive, it’s just too much.
Every now and then I break down in tears, feeling scared of being alone, of having no one to be there for me especially now that I need it most, all I’ve ever wanted was to have someone to love and protect me, not hurt me. I can’t do this anymore, however, I have to, if not for me for my child, my baby deserves the best of me, I have to fight for my baby. Every time I feel my baby move inside me, it’s a reminder that I can’t let go of hope and lose faith, that I have to be strong one more time. But how can one be strong when everything hurts, when despite one’s willingness to continue fighting and hold on to the idea that there is hope even when it is not palpable, how can one convince oneself that there’s hope of a better tomorrow when it all seems too dim to see what lays ahead.
Picking up the pieces can be so hard, especially when doing so has become a vicious circle in one’s life, a number eight where there’s no exit. But on the brighter more positive side, one has to be strong one more time, and give tomorrow a chance; if today seems too hard, too hopeless, don’t give up, give tomorrow a chance. Nothing lasts forever, this is what I like to remind myself , I tell myself this so to help me get through the day, so that I wont let myself break. We all deserve to give ourselves a second chance, don’t we? Be strong one more time no matter how hopeless, no matter how difficult it can be to pull ourselves up once more. Be strong one more time.
Doing it alone…
Lately my life has made a turn and I am not sure if it’s for the best or the worse. Everything I knew shattered right before my eyes, now I find myself pregnant with my first child and fleeing from domestic violence from my husband. I never thought I’d be here, I never thought I’d find myself in this place, this situation, I feel uncertain and scared about what lays ahead. I doubt myself, my ability to remain strong and do it alone; as a first time mom to be, I never thought it would be this way, that this would be what I would experience, and what makes it hard to grasp is the fact that I am in this position from the person I did not expect it from, my husband, the father of my child, the man who said he loved me and so badly wanted to become a father. How could he do this to me, to us?
I feel weak, I don’t think that I no longer have the strength to make it through another battle, I am tired of having to always have to fight to make it through life, I just want/need a break. I had to leave everything behind for both my safety and my baby’s. I have no one or nothing, I am all alone struggling with the idea if could do this alone. The thought of becoming a single mother under such circumstances frighten me, I have nothing to offer my baby, how will I take care of my baby? I didn’t want for my child to not have a father figure, my God can I do this alone? am I strong enough to withstand the storm and wait until the calm?
I am broken in all aspects of my life, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. The future looks uncertain, I can’t look past today, past the pain, the grief, the anger, and disbelief. I’ve been practically alone my entire life, I’ve had to make it through my hardships, my struggles all alone, and all I always hoped for was that one day I would have someone to be a shoulder for me to lean on when I needed it most, and unfortunately I did not find that in my husband, instead I received nothing but pain and disappointments from the one who I expected support and love from, I was nothing but an object he could use to get what he wanted, I wasn’t good for anything else.
How could he try to hurt me knowing that I was expecting his child? Why would he do something that will put me and his unborn child in danger and leave us destitute? So many questions, but no answers. However, despite my fears, my pain, each time I look at my growing belly, I am filled with strength, the love I feel for my baby gives me the courage needed to go on each day and try my hardest. Can I do it alone? the answer to that question now is yes I can because I am faithful that God is by my side through it all and that he will never abandon me and my child, and I am not alone, not anymore, I have my baby to fight for and look forward to, therefore, I can do it alone, I don’t need a man to feel secured, he did not want us to be a part in his life, he did not appreciate what he had, instead threw all that away, it is his loss. I can do it alone with God by my side and the love I have for my baby.
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