I have many times heard some of my close male friends say that women are the B word, that some of us are confused about what we want, that some of us are gold diggers and users, etc. My response before was to tell my friends that the only thing all these women had in common was them, that perhaps they needed to go for a different type of woman since what they have been attracted to has not been working for them. This is an advise I followed myself after feeling frustrated of having end up with the same type of guys.
Apparently there must be more than just having to expand one’s horizons in terms of being fixated on only dating a particular type. That perhaps some of us have tired of having our hearts broken, that we have built a wall so tall and indestructible, that we get to a point that we do not know how to bring that wall down in order to allow others in due to the fear of getting hurt, or simply because we choose to no longer believe in love; after all it is easier to reject an ideal that has caused us pain, instead of continuing to remain hopeful that next time it’ll be different, the fear of pain can simply paralyze from hoping and moving forward.
I have been hurt more times that I can recall or want to even admit, however, I always picked up the pieces and remained open, open to the beautiful idea of true love, romance and a happily ever after. I’ve gone through so much lately, that the word love no longer signifies what it used to, it has become almost a joke, something I feel we fool ourselves in believing for reasons I am no longer sure of, I guess the idea of love makes us view the world in a more optimistic way I guess.
Lately I often find myself with a sense of crass sarcasm regarding those four letter words, love have become something that I feel I must protect myself from moving forward, something that it’s a lie, it’s only purpose is to fool one in order to hurt and disappoint once we’ve fallen for it. I feel that the only way I can be happy is to build a wall, to become one of those women men meet and wonder why is she so cold, so guarded, why is she such a b****? isn’t it interesting that this is how we are defined as women, that it is easier for a man to judge us, instead of trying to understand the many reasons why we have built walls, have closed ourselves to the idea of love, and be the one man who will perhaps allow us to slowly break down our walls, we are instead looked as being a B****
I am slowly losing fate to the idea that somewhere out there love exists for me, that I will find the right person for me, one who will love me, appreciate me, understand me, and accept me as I am and for who I am. I have become to associate love with pain and disappointments, I fear keeping an open heart due to the fear of being stomped on again, it’s almost as if all the broken hearts I’ve experienced, especially my recent one has broken me for good, I guess that I’ve become both numb and hardened by too many broken hearts.