If I died…

So many times I’ve pondered if this is just a long dream, that life as we know it is nothing but a fragment of a dream, a notion. If so, why haven’t we woken up to reality, why does this dream feels so real and never ending? Especially when there’s no reason to continue sleeping, dreaming and we want nothing but to wake up from such horrid nightmare, wake up to a reality that may be better, more bearable.

Life can often feel so cumbersome, it can feel like a conundrum that one often feels without strength and desire to go on, and ponder about death; perhaps it is not as bad as it has been portrayed, perhaps it is where one can finally find renewed strength, tranquility, joy and happiness, perhaps death is not the end but the beginning, that in spite of the living not being able to see nor feel one, however, one can see and feel them.

When you’ve know nothing but pain, loss, and struggle, it is hard not to dance with the idea of death, of forever peace, it is hard to look forward to waking up each day knowing how each day feels. I’ve often pondered about what would happen if I died, would I find the peace I’ve seemed for so long? Would I finally be happy and fulfilled? Would I finally get to know what it feels like to not have to live in uncertainty, of fear of failing? Would I no longer feel so broken and beaten down? Would it be a new beginning, the one I’ve seeked in life?

If I died would I be able to see everything that’s happening to what once was my vessel? Would my child not experience the same horrible life I did after I became an orphan, would God grant him all that I never had/experienced? If I died would I be remembered? Would all the little bits of good I was able to do, if any not be forgotten? What would they say about me being gone? Would they care at all? If I died would my memory be alive in my small child’s heart like the one of my mother in mine, no he is too small, all memory of me would soon dissipate from his young mind. Would he struggle at first when he sees that mommy has not returned back for him as he does when I drop him off at school or Sunday school? Would he be okay if I were forever gone?

These questions have hunt me yesterday, they hunt me today, and perhaps will hunt me tomorrow. Will I ever fall prey helpless to such ideations, will the time come when my strength can no longer support me and I simply succumb? If I died what would it be like, feel like?