Self regulating

Sitting in a room full of strangers, where we are all gathered under one roof for the same purpose; work related training. Anguished from the previous night…days…weeks…

Attempting my best to be engaging, etc I push back all the feelings of fears, distress, doubts unraveling deep inside of me, failing to make them go away.

I feel the tightness in both my gut and throat, the tears welling up. I attempt to breathe in and out without drawing attention as I smile, participate in the discussion giving responses which everyone seems to concur with and elaborates further on. Yet here I sit, choked up, fighting an internal battle unbeknownst to everyone in the room.

Five hours later, I walk to my car rushing to both make it on time to pick up my child from Summer camp as well as seek relief, one I desperately need in order to feel light again, breath again. To no avail, I attempt to release all that is boiling up inside of me.

Finally on the highway after a long process of deep thinking about my current hopeless circumstances, boom like a erupting volcano the tears stream down my checks.

Bringing release and pain all at once. I think to myself “once again you’ve managed to hold it all in and function without drawing attention undetected like a ninja in the night; silent, unnoticed.”

It amazes me how well I’ve mastered the art of hiding each feeling, emotion masking them so well that they go unnoticed to the naked eye.

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