Feeling numb, as if life has slipped through my fingers like water. Feeling empty, like a hollow tree with nothing left inside but emptiness. Looking at my life for the past four years since I became a single mother, there’s been nothing but pain, exhaustion, emptiness, loneliness, sacrifice, financial strain and a long awaited divorce in progress; absolutely nothing to show for; yes I have a healthy, wonderful, beautiful toddler who is my world, my life, my everything, BUT, single parenting has hit me like a unexpected train.
Wake up, make breakfast (for him, not enough time/energy for me), put together school lunch if there’s anything that needs to be heated from the previous night lunch prep, drive him to school, then rush to work, get out of work, pick him up, dinner, dishes, bath time, story/night time prayer (lately I’ve neglected these two areas; story time and prayer), prepare school lunch and it starts all over again day after day. I feel that from Monday through Sunday every week/month for the past four years, it’s been go go go nonstop. I’ve neglected myself emotionally, spiritually and physically in terms of health; I’ve neglected who I am as a person, as a woman, all that’s left is frustration, bitterness, loneliness, anger, and emptiness.
I carry the weight of the world on my already weakened shoulders, no help, not financially, spiritually, emotionally, nor morally, it’s just me all alone pushing through each day, wearing my strong mask and fake-forced smile. People that knows a bit about my circumstances say that I’m so strong and ask how do I do it? when in reality I’m screaming on the inside; screaming, crying, yelling, imploring for a break, for breathing room, I feel like a pressure cooker, a ticking bomb waiting to give in, to succumb to all the pain and let go carelessly, to simply disconnect from the world.