It doesn’t seem nor feels to have been that long ago that everything changed. In 2012, I separated from my husband for good and moved out of state in with a relative leaving behind everything. Throughout working things out, I found out that I was pregnant; my husband had wanted to become a father for as long as I could remember, so naturally I thought this news would make him mature and be less self-centered. Was I wrong, the day he came to get me because I had decided to move back with him since he appeared to have had changed, that fateful day he showed me that a zebra cannot change its stripes, that it was all a facade to get me to comply; he knew that being pregnant would not have persuaded me to stay in a miserable marriage. Long story short, due to his behavior and actions, instead of me moving back with him, we instead got into an altercation that turned sour and I ended up hospitalized. The next day coming from the hospital, I found myself without the support of my relatives, those who said would be there and had initially convinced me to move, had turned their back on me. I was pregnant and homeless, my only option was to enter a women’s domestic violence shelter, which I did given such little options.
Ever since then, I’ve been on a lonesome and painful journey, one filled with bumps every step I take; being on government assistance despite my educational background, language and work skill, the lack of mothers hours makes it a monumental task to find employment, one suitable for a single mother with no support. I am in a state that is unfamiliar to me, no friends and the relatives I have are useless. This has been the most difficult task I have had to face thus far, it has weighed me down and drained me emotionally and physically, I am a wreck hanging by a tin thread. Everything feels cumbersome, I am at my wit’s end, I feel empty and isolated. Enduring not only the monumental task of raising a child alone is hard enough, but when you have to deal with the bureaucracy of those whom are being paid to help you, when they treat you as if you’re nothing but a parasite using/playing the system placing you in a box is both hurtful and demeaning. When society stigmatize the women in my shoe judging carelessly judging you without knowing you nor your circumstances, and without realizing that they are not exempt from life’s unexpected curve balls that could to knock them on their ass, makes one feels ostracized and ashamed for seeking the help one not only deserves but has paid for.
As a single mother, although I deeply, madly love my child beyond what words can describe, I however, feel worn out due to the undertaking that being a single mother under tough circumstances entails. I am constantly angry due to the constant struggle and lack of me time, lack of breathing room, I’ve found it difficult to enjoy being a mother, to view motherhood like the wonderful and great experience many woman describe it as, and such realization makes me feel in some ways like a monster and bad mother, and saddens me to the point of breaking my heart, because my child is my everything, my reason for waking up each day and not giving up. If someone were to ask me to honestly answer how I feel about being a mother, I would say that being a mother, a single mother is mentally and physically brutal and overwhelming, it is exhausting, it allows for no time for self-care, to make friends nor have a social life, it is difficult to go after the jobs you want and would pay, because you have a child you need to be there for, therefore certain commitments are unsuitable, and you have to basically settle for less in the name at being a mom, and mange/balance things as best as you can, it also makes you feel animosity towards that little being you so dearly love, because you blame him/her for your current circumstances, and due to the scrutiny single moms have to endure by people who simply have no idea how difficult it is, who simply don’t get it, because they don’t know that if they had to walk a second in our shoes they would break. Being a single mother under difficult circumstances simply sucks because it feels as if no one understands, they’re simply quick to judge and label you, which makes you feel even more alone than you already feel.