In deep thoughts

It’s been forever since I’ve actually written, I’ve just been emotionally blocked, everything feels cumbersome. I am struggling to stay afloat gasping for air, relentless for some sense of clarity, some sense of sanity, some sense of comfort. remaining positive seems like such a cumbersome task, life’s such a conundrum; I often ponder it’s purpose, so many unanswered questions, so many things left unresolved. Stuck in this endless rut, stuck in this hell of a roller coaster which ups and downs is slowly burying every last bit of hope I have left, every last bit of strength I have left.

I often wish it was all a dream, that things were reversed; dreams were reality and realities a dream, well in my case I wish it was so, because my dreams are beautiful and painless and life well, life is just hell for a lack of better words. I don’t know any more, I know God’s timing is perfect, that his plan never fails and his never late, however, I often find myself asking when? when will I get a break, find stability, when will things get better for good, when? can I hold much longer? how much can one take before breaking for good? ugh I abhor being/feeling negative which is why I think I’ve avoided writing, because all that’s left inside of me is pain, uncertainties, and endless questions, also my mind is just blocked, I often go blank when attempting to put my thoughts and feelings in writing. 

Is there a happy ending awaiting for me? will I ever be one of those people who can honestly say “I am happy with my life, I would change anything.” that has never been me, although I hope it to be someday, sooner rather than later. I have never been content, I know sounds awful, but if you knew about my life you’d understand why. Is breaking ones back, stress, pain, and loss all that is to life; you have some good times, but the rest is a daily grind, a daily struggle to make it through, a battle with oneself, ones thoughts, feelings and emotions? Is that all there is?

Hope is so fleeting, tomorrow seems so bleak, the thought of continuing down this same road is debilitating to say the least. I no longer want for misery, pain, doubts, fears and uncertainties to walk alongside me like a friend one tries to avoid yet cant seem to get rid off. I no longer have the strength to go on like this; how much longer can I continue to be strong, I am tired of being strong, it is all that I’ve had to be me my entire life, strong. Never having the luxury to succumb and allow myself to feel, after all I’ve always been afraid of letting myself feel for fear of braking down, because if I do, I know that I have no one to help me get back up, if I crumble there will be no one to catch me as I fall or to help me gather my broken pieces. So in the meantime I remain “strong.” 


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